Two Scenes (Or, How I Revise Shit)
Dec. 9th, 2009 08:42 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
lavanya_sixChapter 7-A of FFO is almost done. I just need to type up the longhand version of the final scene, plus make a few revisions to set up stuff for the outline I just wrote for 7-B. I have to say that after the ultra mega drama of Chapters 5 and 6, it's been hard for me to write a low-key chapter. I keep wanting to write a cliffhanger where someone finds out they're pregnant or where Sokka gets hit in the face by a small meteorite.
But enough of that.
In the past I've talked about my beta process, but I've never really talked about how I revise the pre-beta stuff. So here are two versions of the same scene from "Praise Be to Nero's Neptune", my quirky shipping AU that I'll finish someday. Aside from the most obvious change (switching from present tense to past tense) you can see how I reword stuff and just generally trim things down.
Mark I:
After he wakes and is bathed, King Kuei spends his morning reading in the Winter Garden.
It is a recent addition to the Imperial Royal Palace, one of four gardens total; each named for one of the seasons, each dedicated to one of the Four Nations. Though his birth would have him favorite the Earth Kingdom's Summer Garden, Kuei is more inclined to favor the Water Tribe's Winter Garden. It's austere sensibility possesses a unique beauty. As Na Sing Se's climate forbids the ice and snow that would be required to replicate the landscape of the Winter Garden's tribute nation, chiseled hunks of marble stand in for icebergs and fine white beach sand, imported from halfway around the world, serves as snow. There is still water, however. It flows from a dizzying array of fountains built into the marble 'icebergs', flowing and pooling in some ponds in some places, in others spots arcing through the air and pattering on the ground like rain. There are no plants, no flowers. Just water and symbols of water, truth and lies irrecoverably intermingling to form one whole.
Perhaps it is no wonder, the Earth King supposes, as he pauses momentarily in his reading, that I should favor this place so.
An attendant brings King Kuei his breakfast -- a bowl of cubed fresh fruit, a goblet of spiced wine, and a plate dressed with a small, sticky pastry -- wordlessly setting it down before him. All around the Winter Garden, the Dai Li watch to make sure no attempt at unauthorized conversation is made. Kuei does not even notice the Dai Li's silent surveillance. He has long since become inured to the insulting limitation now imposed on his royal station.
The sun is closer to its apex than it is to the eastern horizon when he hears the telltale axel-grinding squeak of the approaching wheelchair. A pleasant voice calls out, "Good morning, King Kuei."
"Greetings, Prince Lu Ten," Kuei says, placing a marker at the spot he is leaving off on and then setting the book down in his lap. "How are you this fine winter morning?"
Lu Ten, Crown Prince of the Eastern Fire Nation and Guardian Protector of Na Sing Se, smiles as he wheels himself up to deposed King Kuei's stone garden table. "Quite fine, friend," he says. "Though I was wondering if I might trouble you for a game of Pai Sho."
"Of course." He sweeps a hand across the tabletop. "Anticipating your request, I took the liberty of arranging a game board."
"Superb! Have I ever told you that you make an excellent hostage, Your Highness?"
Kuei's lips curl into an honest smile. "Only every day."
Mark II:
King Kuei spent his morning reading in the Winter Garden.
It was a recent addition to the Imperial Royal Palace, one of four gardens total; each named for one of the seasons, each dedicated to one of the Four Nations. Though his birth would have him favor the Earth Kingdom's Summer Garden, Kuei was more inclined towards the austere beauty of the Water Tribe's Winter Garden.
As Na Sing Se's climate forbid an honest replica of the polar landscape, chiseled hunks of marble stood in for icebergs and fine white beach sand served as snow. Free water flowed from a dizzying array of fountains built into the marble 'icebergs'. The fountains rained down on the ground, their soft pattering making for pleasant white noise. The waters ran together and pooled in shallow ponds. There were no plants, no flowers. Just water and symbols of water, truth and lies irrecoverably intermingled to form one whole.
Perhaps it is no wonder, the Earth King supposed, as he pauses in his reading, that I should favor this place so.
An attendant brought King Kuei his breakfast -- a bowl of cubed fresh fruit, a goblet of spiced wine, and a plate dressed with a small, sticky pastry -- wordlessly setting it down before him and then backed out of the garden. Kuei did not even notice the Dai Li's silent surveillance. He had long since become inured to the insulting limitation now imposed on his royal station.
The sun was closer to its apex than it is to the eastern horizon when he heard the telltale axel-grinding squeak of the approaching wheelchair. A pleasant voice called out, "Good morning, King Kuei."
"Greetings, Prince Lu Ten," Kuei said, sliding a bookmark into place and then settling the slim volume down on his lap. "How are you this fine winter morning?"
Lu Ten, Crown Prince of the Eastern Fire Nation and Guardian Protector of Na Sing Se, smiled as he wheeled himself up to deposed King Kuei's stone garden table. "Quite fine, friend," he said. "Though I was wondering if I might trouble you for a game of Pai Sho."
"Of course." Kuei swept a hand over the tabletop. Beside his breakfast dishes were two silk bags filled with tiles. "Anticipating your request, I took the liberty of arranging a game board."
"Superb! Have I ever told you that you make an excellent hostage, Your Highness?"
Kuei's lips curled into an honest smile. "Only every day."
But enough of that.
In the past I've talked about my beta process, but I've never really talked about how I revise the pre-beta stuff. So here are two versions of the same scene from "Praise Be to Nero's Neptune", my quirky shipping AU that I'll finish someday. Aside from the most obvious change (switching from present tense to past tense) you can see how I reword stuff and just generally trim things down.
Mark I:
After he wakes and is bathed, King Kuei spends his morning reading in the Winter Garden.
It is a recent addition to the Imperial Royal Palace, one of four gardens total; each named for one of the seasons, each dedicated to one of the Four Nations. Though his birth would have him favorite the Earth Kingdom's Summer Garden, Kuei is more inclined to favor the Water Tribe's Winter Garden. It's austere sensibility possesses a unique beauty. As Na Sing Se's climate forbids the ice and snow that would be required to replicate the landscape of the Winter Garden's tribute nation, chiseled hunks of marble stand in for icebergs and fine white beach sand, imported from halfway around the world, serves as snow. There is still water, however. It flows from a dizzying array of fountains built into the marble 'icebergs', flowing and pooling in some ponds in some places, in others spots arcing through the air and pattering on the ground like rain. There are no plants, no flowers. Just water and symbols of water, truth and lies irrecoverably intermingling to form one whole.
Perhaps it is no wonder, the Earth King supposes, as he pauses momentarily in his reading, that I should favor this place so.
An attendant brings King Kuei his breakfast -- a bowl of cubed fresh fruit, a goblet of spiced wine, and a plate dressed with a small, sticky pastry -- wordlessly setting it down before him. All around the Winter Garden, the Dai Li watch to make sure no attempt at unauthorized conversation is made. Kuei does not even notice the Dai Li's silent surveillance. He has long since become inured to the insulting limitation now imposed on his royal station.
The sun is closer to its apex than it is to the eastern horizon when he hears the telltale axel-grinding squeak of the approaching wheelchair. A pleasant voice calls out, "Good morning, King Kuei."
"Greetings, Prince Lu Ten," Kuei says, placing a marker at the spot he is leaving off on and then setting the book down in his lap. "How are you this fine winter morning?"
Lu Ten, Crown Prince of the Eastern Fire Nation and Guardian Protector of Na Sing Se, smiles as he wheels himself up to deposed King Kuei's stone garden table. "Quite fine, friend," he says. "Though I was wondering if I might trouble you for a game of Pai Sho."
"Of course." He sweeps a hand across the tabletop. "Anticipating your request, I took the liberty of arranging a game board."
"Superb! Have I ever told you that you make an excellent hostage, Your Highness?"
Kuei's lips curl into an honest smile. "Only every day."
Mark II:
King Kuei spent his morning reading in the Winter Garden.
It was a recent addition to the Imperial Royal Palace, one of four gardens total; each named for one of the seasons, each dedicated to one of the Four Nations. Though his birth would have him favor the Earth Kingdom's Summer Garden, Kuei was more inclined towards the austere beauty of the Water Tribe's Winter Garden.
As Na Sing Se's climate forbid an honest replica of the polar landscape, chiseled hunks of marble stood in for icebergs and fine white beach sand served as snow. Free water flowed from a dizzying array of fountains built into the marble 'icebergs'. The fountains rained down on the ground, their soft pattering making for pleasant white noise. The waters ran together and pooled in shallow ponds. There were no plants, no flowers. Just water and symbols of water, truth and lies irrecoverably intermingled to form one whole.
Perhaps it is no wonder, the Earth King supposed, as he pauses in his reading, that I should favor this place so.
An attendant brought King Kuei his breakfast -- a bowl of cubed fresh fruit, a goblet of spiced wine, and a plate dressed with a small, sticky pastry -- wordlessly setting it down before him and then backed out of the garden. Kuei did not even notice the Dai Li's silent surveillance. He had long since become inured to the insulting limitation now imposed on his royal station.
The sun was closer to its apex than it is to the eastern horizon when he heard the telltale axel-grinding squeak of the approaching wheelchair. A pleasant voice called out, "Good morning, King Kuei."
"Greetings, Prince Lu Ten," Kuei said, sliding a bookmark into place and then settling the slim volume down on his lap. "How are you this fine winter morning?"
Lu Ten, Crown Prince of the Eastern Fire Nation and Guardian Protector of Na Sing Se, smiled as he wheeled himself up to deposed King Kuei's stone garden table. "Quite fine, friend," he said. "Though I was wondering if I might trouble you for a game of Pai Sho."
"Of course." Kuei swept a hand over the tabletop. Beside his breakfast dishes were two silk bags filled with tiles. "Anticipating your request, I took the liberty of arranging a game board."
"Superb! Have I ever told you that you make an excellent hostage, Your Highness?"
Kuei's lips curled into an honest smile. "Only every day."
