lavanya_six | Abandoned Fic

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A few days later Misato takes me to visit Ritsuko at the clean-up site of the 4th Angel. I almost wince as I walk into the large make-shift tented area. I remember all too well the paperwork that was involved with these clean-up jobs as the Director of Operations. I hated it when the big bastards left corpses. When the Angels blew up the most I ever had to do was file a petition with the government cartographers to designate the new craters as Ashino Lake #X (imaginative, eh?) and maybe fill out an environmental impact statement.

I loathed the environmental impact statements. They were bitches in triplicate. It never made sense to kill so many trees for all the forms I had to fill out.

Misato tucks the hardhat strap on under my chin with far too much glee for the early morning. Unlike Shinji, I was not and am still not a morning person. There's also not much I can do about it at this point. Misato won't let me drink anything caffeinated, insisting that it'll stunt my growth. So I get to stew bleary-eyed at the kitchen table every morning watching her mainline Yebisu.

God, I miss beer.

History plays out pretty much as I remember it, including the Error 601 at Ritsuko's work station. Still, I keep my ears open. I may look like Shinji Ikari – hell, I am him now – but I also have my mission. Shinji sent me back here for a reason: to stop Third Impact. Paying attention to the little things that slipped past busy, trusting Old Me is one step towards that goal.

Stepping away from Misato and Ritsuko's chattering I see my second goal.

On a platform several meters away the Commander and the Vice-Commander are inspecting a large hunk of the Angel's shattered Core. The elderly man grumbles, "This is all you were able to recover of the Core?"

"Yes, sir," grovels a lowly technician. "The rest was too degraded for a viable sample."

"It’s not a problem," declares Gendo Ikari, the bastard. "Send this to our facilities for analysis. Dispose of the rest."

In a way, Old Shinji freed me by giving me this unnerving, entirely uncomfortable boy's body. I can pilot an Eva. I can fight the Angels instead of sending children in my place. I can work behind the scenes in preparation for D-Day, and so long as I don't arouse suspicion no one will ever suspect me, lowly Shinji Ikari, of aiming to destroy an omnicidal global conspiracy. This body frees me to do a lot of things.

Like murdering two Commanders with my giant robot.

My 'father' turns around and I catch his notice. I give a lame wave, trying desperately to suppress a grin. Gendo Ikari ignores me and walks away, chatting with the Vice-Commander.

"What's wrong?" asks Misato, popping up behind me.

"Nothing," I say, and for a brief moment I really mean it.

"You know," says my guardian with that Captain Mom slyness, "when you say 'Nothing' you're really saying 'Worry about me, please'."

"Well," I reply, remembering this moment from the flip side, "I noticed that my father seems to have burned his hands…."

# # # # #

High school is like beer, stupid but fun.

I'm in gym class – gym class! At age thir—twenty-nine! My life sucks! – and me and the rest of the boys are taking turns on timed sprints. At least, that's what we're doing on paper. Mostly the teacher is letting us goof off. I for one applaud teachers willing to work as hard as their meager paycheck demands. I always hated gym. There's no real point to it. Not like boot camp or real physical training. It's mostly an excuse to get the boys and the girls into skimpy, sweaty clothes so each gender can ogle the other.

"Whoa, check out her thighs!"

"Check out Nina's calves!"

"And Aki's breasts!"

"Dude, how can you NOT be scoping out Megumi's personality?"

Everyone laughs.

Men are pigs. Then again, I'm a pig now too.

But the girl I'm looking at? Nobody's talking about her body. I'm not surprised.

"Hey, Ikari." The Aida kid is sitting next to me. Ever since I settled things with Touji the otaku's been grilling me again for information on the Eva. He hasn't said anything about kicking me. I'll let that slide in the name of goodwill. "You've been staring at Ayanami for, like, hours. What's up?"

Oink. Oink. "She's kind of hot."

Aida smiles. "Ayanami? Well, I can see that. I wouldn't get your hopes up though; she's kind of a cold fish. She's never made any friends."

"Really?" I feign ignorance. "I don't know much about her. I mean, she's an Eva pilot too, but beyond that…."

Beyond that she's a human-Angel hybrid that Gendo Ikari cooked up in Terminal Dogma. One Rei dies, out pops another Rei.

To be honest I still get a knot in my stomach when I look at her. When I think about what's in her blood… it's hard to think of her as a person. She's more like the Fifth Child than me or Aida. But I know that she meant something to Shinji so I'm going to try to help her. Besides, she's important somehow to Commander Ikari's plans. It goes beyond being the core of the Dummy Plug. I just don't know the what or the why exactly. Ritsuko was sobbing too much to make sense at that point and nothing I hacked out of the MAGI explained about Rei.

Up above, leaning against the fence while the rest of her female classmates take turns racing in the pool, Rei Ayanami turns her head slightly. I'd have never noticed the motion if not for the fact that she had stayed perfectly still for so long. Those crimson eyes of hers fix on my azure ones.

I shiver.

She sees.

# # # # #

After I get home from school I set to the task of cleaning the apartment for Ritsu's visit tonight. It doesn't take as long as you think it would for me. See, I've had a lot of time on my hands to think these last three weeks – and thinking is the last thing I need. Between school and NERV I keep fairly busy. What time I have leftover I spend doing things that the old me never had time to do: read mangas, listen to music, watch TV, and clean, clean, clean. I think I threw myself a little too deeply into the role of Shinji with my cleaning. He kept a tidy apartment but I've become OCD about it.

I suppose I try to keep busy so I don't think about just how screwed up my situation is. I mean, I get dressed in the dark. Bathing is a daily torture for me, though it doesn't freak me out as much as morning wood.

If Old Shinji was going to stick me in his body the least he could have done was not make me feel like a freak. I mean, for fuck's sake, I'm a woman! It's not like I can flip a switch! I only hope Misato hasn't caught me peaking at men in public. That would be… inconvenient.

But the worst part? The worst of the worst? I think I'm… I'm…

Oh God.

My body finds women attractive.

Let me make the crystal clear: my body finds those of female persuasion attractive. My mind still has a taste for man candy. It's an involuntary reaction, probably hormonal. I mean, Old Shinji was straight. His body was keyed into this sort of thing, and since his body is now my body it only figures that it'd work this way. My mind is still my own. My mind likes men. Twentysomething and thirtysomething men.

Like Kaji.

…

I know, I know. He's alive in this timeline. Right now the Over the Rainbow's convoy is passing through the Panama Channel with Kaji and Asuka. I'll be seeing them… Shinji Ikari will be meeting them for the first time… really soon.

I have a plan. Ryoji Kaji won't die this time. Misato Katsuragi and Ryoji Kaji will be together.

Shinji Ikari on the other hand….

# # # # #

"What IS this?!"

"Curry."

It's nighttime. Ritsu… excuse me, Doctor Akagi… has come over to visit. We're seated in the family room, feasting on a noxious mix of ramen noodles and… stuff. It's Misato's turn to cook dinner.

"I see," disdainfully notes the blonde. "You still eat instant foods."

"You're a guest, so don't complain!"

The banter is playful. They're still friends at this point. The bad shit hasn't gone down. In my old life, when I was still her, I'd think back fondly on these early days back before everything started to fall apart. It hurts a little that this will never be mine again.

I close my eyes and let the conversation wash over me. In the dark I can pretend that it's still me talking with Ritsu.

"I think your bad food killed Shinji," snarks Dr. Akagi.

I open my eyes. The two women are staring at me. I blush. "Uh, no! Not at all. It's very, uh, good, Misato."

My lie pleases the Captain. "See?" She elbows her friend in the ribs. "He likes my cooking."

"Obviously," deadpans Ritsuko. "In the future, please invite me on a day when it's Shinji's turn to cook."

Misato chuckles, then leans over and cups a hand over Ritsuko's ear. She whispers conspiratorially, "He's worse than I am!"

Ritsuko frowns. "Really?"

"Er, yeah," I say, preparing to sortie my cover story. "I was never too great at cooking back at my uncle's. I mean, I did okay, but…."

I leave the rest to their imaginations. I don't know much about Shinji's backstory aside from what was in his file. He never talked about his uncle either. Mercifully for this gender-bending time traveler, the only person who knew the real Shinji Ikari when he showed up in Tokyo-3 was the Commander. Since we're hardly going to be spending time together the pressure on my role playing back story isn't too high.

Misato gives me a noogie. I want to punch myself for ever thinking those things were funny. "Don't worry, Ritsu. Shinji doesn't have to worry about cooking while he lives with me!"

"Ah," starts Ritsuko, "I nearly forgot." She starts to dig through her purse. "Shinji, I have a favor to ask."

"What is it?"

She produces a red NERV security card. "Rei Ayanami's renewal car – I never got a chance to give it to her. I'm sorry to ask this, but would you deliver it to her home on your way to Headquarters tomorrow?"

"Okay." I take the card, frowning on the inside. Did this happen last time? I don't remember. It was so long ago.

"What's the matter?" asks Misato, leaning over her eighth beer of the night. "You're staring at Rei's photo, aren't you? Hmmmm?"

Also, Old Me was smashed at the time.

"No, I'm not." I tuck the card away in my wallet. "Ritsuko, can you give me directions to Rei's? I've never been there before."

"Well…"

# # # # #

Rei Ayanami's apartment is a shit hole.

Aside from the general filth, the shady characters lurking about the area, and the constant clanging of construction equipment, her apartment building looks like its about to fall down. Why the hell didn't Old Shinji ever tell me Rei lived in such a horrible place? Didn't he care?

Then I realize with more than a grain of guilt, I was Rei's commanding officer and I never visited her home. I had a year to find out about this place and I never came by.

Shit.

For a minute I seriously wonder if Ritsuko was pulling a prank on me. No human being could possibly stand to live here!

"And no human being does," I whisper to myself, remembering what Rei is.

The elevator is broken so I take the stairs up to the fourth floor. I don't even have to look for the right apartment number. There's only one that still gets mail judging from the litter. I'm vaguely impressed that the mailman actually takes the four flights up to deliver so much junk.

I knock. "Hello?"

There's no response. I try the door on a hunch. I'm right. It's unlocked.

"Ayanami?"

The apartment is small and dirty. Everything is covered in grime. There are bloody bandages lying on the floor. Only the sheets Rei's bed look halfway decent. No decorations to speak of.

"God, and I thought I was a slob."

I study the room, looking for some insight into the thing that is Rei Ayanami. All I can drudge up is a weak sense of pity. There isn't a damn th-

Wait.

Eyeglasses?

<WONDERS… DID REI COME BACK TOO?>

Did Rei Ayanami come back in time too?

# # # # #

# # # # #

<5th ANGEL, SHINJI TRIES TO REASON THAT THE ANGEL SHOULD BE TESTED FIRST.>

"Uh, Misato?"

"Yes, Shinji? What is it?"

"Don't you think it's odd that the Angel is a giant cube… thing? I mean, how's it supposed to attack me? It doesn't have arms or anything like the last two."

"We'll just have to deploy your Eva and find out. Stay on your toes."

Stay on my toes? That thing's going to fry me! "But shouldn't we run some tests first? Just to be safe?"

"Trust me, you'll be fine."

I try a different tactic. "Ritsuko – how do you think the Angel will attack me if it doesn't have arms or legs?"

Dr. Akagi comes onscreen. "Shinji, the MAGI have determined that the danger is minimal. You'll be fine."

Bullshit! I know that twinkle in her eye. She's bullshitting me so that I'll shut up and leave her alone! Just like she used to do when I asked her to go barhopping with me back in college and then she say she had a test to study for.

"But Misato I really thi-"

My commander doesn't care to hear my objections either. "EVA LAUNCH!"

The strain of the G-Forces keeps me from cursing aloud, but I'm thinking one thing on the inside:

BIIIIIIIIIIIIITCHES!!

# # # # #

I wake up in the hospital, staring at the ceiling. My body aches and my skin itches. I feel like the Sun came down from the sky, kicked the crap out of me, stole my beer money, and then pissed fire on my chest for good measure. It takes a second for me to reorient myself in time and space but then the memory of Ramiel's tender mercy comes back.

"Ugh."

I sit up and see Rei Ayanami looking back at me. It must be time for Operation Yashima.

Rei fishes a little notebook out of her school uniform and begins to read. "Pilot Ikari…"

What follows synchs up with what I remember from my plan.

When she's finished giving her briefing, Rei pushes forward the cart at her side. It has a plate of food on it. The smell makes me sick.

"I don't want to eat."

Rei nods. "We will leave in sixty minutes."

"You seem awfully calm, Rei. It's almost like you've been through this sort of thing before."

Fuck.

FUCK!

I want to kick myself even as I say it, but it still comes pouring out. Even if she is a time traveler I don't know for sure she's on my side. I could have just exposed myself to Gendo Ikari!

If Rei takes any issue with my question or with my emotional reaction after asking it, she doesn't say anything. Instead she just frowns slightly. "This engagement will be my first time in combat as an Eva pilot," she says flatly.

Irritated, I grab the try and slide it onto my lap. Even the Jello looks horrible. "You should smile more," I say, even though I always hated it when people told me to smile.

# # # # #

# # # # #

Soon we're on a platform atop the mountain, looking out over the city below. It's a hell of a sight even with the floating Angel smack in the center of it all. The city combined with all the construction equipment on the mountaintop bleed off enough light pollution to block out most of the nighttime sky. Only the brightest stars shine through; them and the Moon.

I can't really enjoy the scenery. I'm too wired for the coming battle. Despite everything I'm still a soldier. This is the one time it's a thrill being in Shinji's body; I can be the one who kills the Angels! Ritsuko and Maya thought I bought them that steak dinner after the 11th Angel's invasion just because they saved all our asses. It wasn't. But now I get to be one to ice the bastards.

Tonight will be pretty easy compared to the Angels to come so I'm not especially worried. I'm not taking it easy, mind you. I've been running through battle scenarios for this night since I came back in time. I just know that it can be done with human effort alone.

Unlike, say, with Zeruel.

Or Arael.

Another reason I can't quite enjoy the scenery is the person sitting beside me. I'm still not entirely convinced Rei Ayanami hasn't been reborn like me. Maybe Asuka too. I mean, if not the Children, who else would be sent back? Unlike me, it's not like someone else could be stuck inside the First Child. I've been watching her for days and have come to realize something that I overlooked the first time around: Rei Ayanami doesn't move like a human being.

Look at her right there, right now! She's just sitting there, breathing calmly, not a care in the world. You might not think that odd but she actually behaves like that all the damn time; in the classroom, at NERV, even getting dressed: every movement is clean, concise, with no wasteful flourishes. Her hands never tremble. She never stumbles over her growing legs. Once I might have chalked it up to grace… but now? After the horrors I saw in Terminal Dogma during Ritsuko's decent into madness?

"Rei," I start, desperately needing to know something about this alien girl, "are you afraid of dying?"

"No," comes her quiet, terse reply.

"Why not?"

Rei flicks a crimson eye over towards me. "Because death is not something we should be afraid of, Ikari."

I'm not sure how to reply to that statement. Having died, I can honestly say that while it might not be something to be afraid of death still sucks.

Rei stands. "It is time."

Yes, it is.

Rei turns and walks to her Eva. I follow. As I make my way to Unit-01 my mind turns to the past few weeks, to this strange new life of mine.

# # # END

Author's Notes:

NEXT CHAPTER: Somewhere over the rainbow (Also horrible, horrible fan service!)

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(and here's the very first scene I wrote, it would've ended up in chapter 2)

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"Sheist is right." I bow my head and rest it in my hands. This day… no, this whole fucking experience. It's finally catching up with me. I want to cry, to work it out of my system, but I can't. It's not because of the new body. Boys can cry. I just can't afford to right now.

Besides…

Besides, I'm not her anymore. I'm Shinji Ikari: a scared, socially introverted fourteen year-old boy. If I start acting like myself Section-2 will catch on and start asking difficult questions. They have psyche profiles five hundred pages deep on the Third Child. They knew how he'd react from the moment he stepped off that train. I need to act that way. I just need to hold on… keep the act up a bit longer… change how 'Shinji' acts slowly. Make the shift in personality seem natural, a result of 'his' new life in Tokyo-3.

If I slip up…

No. No, don't think about that. It won't happen. You'll beat the system.

Keep your eye on the prize, girl.

"No," I whisper urgently to remind myself. "Boy."

You think it would be easier to remember, waking up with that damn baseball bat in my shorts every morning. Heh. At least I can walk straight now. I can't believe Misato bought that lie about me injuring my leg when the N2's shockwave rolled over the car.

She probably felt guilty about that.

The door to the bathroom opens, startling me. I flick the toilet's handle, giving myself the cover of a courtesy flush.

Abandoned Fic - Part 2

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